Behold…ME!
In light of a recent revelation I shall hence fourth be known as…Nostradumbass.
For I can predict the past and vague things that shall never pass.
I…am…Nostradumbass.
Here are but a few of my Quintrains:
1) One day some things will happen
These things will affect things
And things will begin to do things
One thing affecting the other thing
Yet therefore…and some other stuff
B) There will be a bovinescatologist born in the 14th century
He shall say things that bringeth many baffoons together
They shall begat
And when the baffoons disperse
They will Google
4) A small but mighty power in Europe shall lose its quest to win the Second World War
Its leader will commit suicide along side his dying whore
His people will forever be embarrassed
Not for their loss
But for his mustache
L) There will be a lovely lady
Who shall bring up three very lovely girls
All of them shall have hair of gold
Like their REAL dad
And the maid shall fuck a butcher
Hark! Hear my words! For I…am Nostradumbass
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Why the "creator" has hairy palms.
This is going to scare some of you. Still others may shrivel in denial and disgust.
I suppose in some circles that may be enough to stop me. Naaaaaaah………
It may help to understand that I’m an agnostic and that this is simply a humorous alternative point of view. Even ________ has a sense of humor.
How many times have you heard, “God made man in his own image.”? This has been the mantra of the more fundamentalist Christian for eons. Usually I would jump up and down and pounce on the ridiculously sexist comment. But then it dawned on me…it may be more interesting to nod in agreement and then follow through with a logical conclusion.
In order to do that we must take the comment “God made man in his own image” and line up its premises.
These are:
God is male (he made man in his own image)
God is perfect (because if he is not, why do you follow “him”)
God is unique (because if he is not, why the rift with other religions)
If these are agreed on the rest is simple logic.
To be male one must have a penis. So God, being male, must have a penis of divine proportions.
To be perfect, a being would suffer no waste. God then would have no wasteful organs. Having said that we can deduce that since God is male and has a penis He must use it. But use it for what?
The penis only serves two functions. The elimination of waste and sexual reproduction.
If a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted organs the possible uses of God’s penis is reduced to those of a sexual nature.
This brings us to our third premise. God is unique.
If God is unique then there is and will never be another like Him so sexual reproduction is out of the question.
Now if this divine penis is not used to eliminate waste (because there is none), nor is it use for sexual reproduction (he is unique), then what does He use it for?
There is only one option left.
Ready?
God masturbates.
That’s right – problem solved.
God is male.
All males have a penis.
God is perfect.
A perfect being has no useless attributes.
God has a penis therefore he must use his penis.
God is a unique being.
A unique being has no others like him.
A penis is used for waste removal or reproduction.
God must use His penis but not for waste removal or reproduction.
Therefore God must masturbate.
I’m certain that at this point one might believe I will burst into flames at any moment but I submit this; God gave me this thought process and my sense of humor…as it is.
Given that, let me take this one step further.
Christianity does not merely assert that God is only perfect and unique part of the time. On the contrary, Christianity tells us that God is always perfect and always unique.
Ok, if that is to be understood as fact let me add this additional deduction:
God must masturbate if He is male, perfect, and unique.
God is always male, perfect, and unique therefore God is always masturbating.
There ya have it. It’s not all bad though. If one thinks very hard about it, through these deductions, we have serendipitously answered another theological question: Philosophers and skeptics have often asked, “How can such an all powerful being tolerate so much evil in the world?”
The answer is clear. He’s too busy with cosmic self pleasure to worry about earthly affairs.
Looks like we are on our own – God or no God.
You're welcome. :)
I suppose in some circles that may be enough to stop me. Naaaaaaah………
It may help to understand that I’m an agnostic and that this is simply a humorous alternative point of view. Even ________ has a sense of humor.
How many times have you heard, “God made man in his own image.”? This has been the mantra of the more fundamentalist Christian for eons. Usually I would jump up and down and pounce on the ridiculously sexist comment. But then it dawned on me…it may be more interesting to nod in agreement and then follow through with a logical conclusion.
In order to do that we must take the comment “God made man in his own image” and line up its premises.
These are:
God is male (he made man in his own image)
God is perfect (because if he is not, why do you follow “him”)
God is unique (because if he is not, why the rift with other religions)
If these are agreed on the rest is simple logic.
To be male one must have a penis. So God, being male, must have a penis of divine proportions.
To be perfect, a being would suffer no waste. God then would have no wasteful organs. Having said that we can deduce that since God is male and has a penis He must use it. But use it for what?
The penis only serves two functions. The elimination of waste and sexual reproduction.
If a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted organs the possible uses of God’s penis is reduced to those of a sexual nature.
This brings us to our third premise. God is unique.
If God is unique then there is and will never be another like Him so sexual reproduction is out of the question.
Now if this divine penis is not used to eliminate waste (because there is none), nor is it use for sexual reproduction (he is unique), then what does He use it for?
There is only one option left.
Ready?
God masturbates.
That’s right – problem solved.
God is male.
All males have a penis.
God is perfect.
A perfect being has no useless attributes.
God has a penis therefore he must use his penis.
God is a unique being.
A unique being has no others like him.
A penis is used for waste removal or reproduction.
God must use His penis but not for waste removal or reproduction.
Therefore God must masturbate.
I’m certain that at this point one might believe I will burst into flames at any moment but I submit this; God gave me this thought process and my sense of humor…as it is.
Given that, let me take this one step further.
Christianity does not merely assert that God is only perfect and unique part of the time. On the contrary, Christianity tells us that God is always perfect and always unique.
Ok, if that is to be understood as fact let me add this additional deduction:
God must masturbate if He is male, perfect, and unique.
God is always male, perfect, and unique therefore God is always masturbating.
There ya have it. It’s not all bad though. If one thinks very hard about it, through these deductions, we have serendipitously answered another theological question: Philosophers and skeptics have often asked, “How can such an all powerful being tolerate so much evil in the world?”
The answer is clear. He’s too busy with cosmic self pleasure to worry about earthly affairs.
Looks like we are on our own – God or no God.
You're welcome. :)
Friday, June 4, 2010
It's ok...'prolly a bus full of mistakes anyway.
Are school bus drivers everywhere certifiably insane or is it just around here?
I’ve noticed that they commandeer the only vehicles not abiding the speed limit in a school zone and, for that matter; they seem to pay no attention to any speed limit anywhere.
Hauling ass seems to be the MO for these people. Whether it be screeching out of the parking lot right in front of you or throwing gravel in the face of the poor kids that live within walking distance, these wild eyed maniacs have apparently one thing in mind:
1) Load the little bastards up
2) Drop the little bastards off (there is a 3rd step but we’ll cover that later)
As annoying as it is to see these busses bending around corners, rolling through stop signs and stop lights, and coming to abrupt and unannounced stops; it’s always interesting to see the looks on the little faces inside as they bounce off the seats and windows in complete terror. Sometimes you can actually see them hanging out the window screaming.
Even as you see these frightened little scholars hanging out the windows screaming and hoping for an escape the expression on the pilots face never changes: “Drop the little bastards off. Drop the little bastards off.”
It’s not their fault we force them to ride in death traps driven by a transient with a Marlboro and no apparent understanding of traffic flow. We could at least see to it that our future drive through cashiers are taken to our under funded and inadequate public schools in a safe manner and in something that doesn’t look like The Partridge Family tour bus.
What are the requirements for “school bus driver” anyway?
Convicted of no more than 3 felonies?
Not on any current sex offender list?
Have not “lived in a van down by the river” for more than 6 consecutive months?
From what I can gather it’s as easy as 1-2-3:
1) Pick the little bastards up
2) Drop the little bastards off
3) Do it again – in due haste
I’m going to the river to investigate further.
I’ve noticed that they commandeer the only vehicles not abiding the speed limit in a school zone and, for that matter; they seem to pay no attention to any speed limit anywhere.
Hauling ass seems to be the MO for these people. Whether it be screeching out of the parking lot right in front of you or throwing gravel in the face of the poor kids that live within walking distance, these wild eyed maniacs have apparently one thing in mind:
1) Load the little bastards up
2) Drop the little bastards off (there is a 3rd step but we’ll cover that later)
As annoying as it is to see these busses bending around corners, rolling through stop signs and stop lights, and coming to abrupt and unannounced stops; it’s always interesting to see the looks on the little faces inside as they bounce off the seats and windows in complete terror. Sometimes you can actually see them hanging out the window screaming.
Even as you see these frightened little scholars hanging out the windows screaming and hoping for an escape the expression on the pilots face never changes: “Drop the little bastards off. Drop the little bastards off.”
It’s not their fault we force them to ride in death traps driven by a transient with a Marlboro and no apparent understanding of traffic flow. We could at least see to it that our future drive through cashiers are taken to our under funded and inadequate public schools in a safe manner and in something that doesn’t look like The Partridge Family tour bus.
What are the requirements for “school bus driver” anyway?
Convicted of no more than 3 felonies?
Not on any current sex offender list?
Have not “lived in a van down by the river” for more than 6 consecutive months?
From what I can gather it’s as easy as 1-2-3:
1) Pick the little bastards up
2) Drop the little bastards off
3) Do it again – in due haste
I’m going to the river to investigate further.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A farting pole and a redneck lunch box.
I have no idea why but the other day I sent a text message to several friends that asked this strange question:
Should a farting contest have some sort of “farting post” you approach and hold onto or something?
None of the people I sent the question to were aware that there were others on the list and yet, 50% of the people responded with:
“Yes, it provides more leverage.”
The other 50% responded with such answers as:
“I would suggest one.”
“I hurt myself on one.”
“It’s a POLE…as in farting POLE!”
I have weird wonderful friends.
It has also just occurred to me, if you’re in such a contest, should you wear farting mitts?”
Today I overheard a comment I think you could only hear in south Arkansas. I don’t want to be stereotypical but, well…you tell me…….
“So when I left the trailer I grabbed the lunch box with the dirty dishes in it.”
Should a farting contest have some sort of “farting post” you approach and hold onto or something?
None of the people I sent the question to were aware that there were others on the list and yet, 50% of the people responded with:
“Yes, it provides more leverage.”
The other 50% responded with such answers as:
“I would suggest one.”
“I hurt myself on one.”
“It’s a POLE…as in farting POLE!”
I have weird wonderful friends.
It has also just occurred to me, if you’re in such a contest, should you wear farting mitts?”
Today I overheard a comment I think you could only hear in south Arkansas. I don’t want to be stereotypical but, well…you tell me…….
“So when I left the trailer I grabbed the lunch box with the dirty dishes in it.”
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wouldn't work. Vaginas don't blink.
Mice keep yanking my chain. Today was a perfect example. I read an article that said scientists produced mouse stem cells from mouse skin cells. This could be a huge breakthrough, both ethically and medically. The only problem is that the method used on the mice would cause cancer in humans. Fuck you, mice. Give me something I can use!
My disappointment could have been worse. It’s not clear I’ll ever need that particular medical breakthrough anyway. The stories that really chafe my neusters are the ones that sound like this:
“Researchers announced a breakthrough in gene therapy. This new technique gave mice an IQ of 700, grew hair in bald patches, made them sexier than John Reznick, and made them immortal. The mice also showed signs of telekinesis, unlimited male orgasms, and x-ray vision. In lab tests, the mice beat leopards in paw-to-paw combat.”
This makes me all excited because I think, “Heeeeey….I could use a few of those things!!” Then I read the rest of the story and it says something like “The researchers cautioned that this sort of gene therapy in humans would make their eyes turn into vaginas.”
It’s bad enough that I live in a country that ranks 37th in health care. The thing that really pisses me off is that I have worse health care than mice. If I were a mouse, I would start smoking, drinking, overeating and having unsafe sex, because those tiny bastards can be cured of anything with a goddamned aspirin and a shot of their own skin cells.
It makes me wonder if mice are easily cured because of the placebo effect. Mice don’t know anything about science, so they think whatever the scientist is doing must be helping. For example, if a lab mouse sees the janitor pleasuring himself with a test tube, the mouse thinks “Hey, my tumor is shrinking!” And then it does. You can’t underestimate the power of positive mouse thinking.
Just once I would like to see a headline that said, “SCIENTISTS DISCOVER A CURE FOR HUMAN DIABETES,” followed by details that say, “Scientists caution that this treatment in mice would give them inverted erections and make them hump themselves to death.”
Well, I can dream.
My disappointment could have been worse. It’s not clear I’ll ever need that particular medical breakthrough anyway. The stories that really chafe my neusters are the ones that sound like this:
“Researchers announced a breakthrough in gene therapy. This new technique gave mice an IQ of 700, grew hair in bald patches, made them sexier than John Reznick, and made them immortal. The mice also showed signs of telekinesis, unlimited male orgasms, and x-ray vision. In lab tests, the mice beat leopards in paw-to-paw combat.”
This makes me all excited because I think, “Heeeeey….I could use a few of those things!!” Then I read the rest of the story and it says something like “The researchers cautioned that this sort of gene therapy in humans would make their eyes turn into vaginas.”
It’s bad enough that I live in a country that ranks 37th in health care. The thing that really pisses me off is that I have worse health care than mice. If I were a mouse, I would start smoking, drinking, overeating and having unsafe sex, because those tiny bastards can be cured of anything with a goddamned aspirin and a shot of their own skin cells.
It makes me wonder if mice are easily cured because of the placebo effect. Mice don’t know anything about science, so they think whatever the scientist is doing must be helping. For example, if a lab mouse sees the janitor pleasuring himself with a test tube, the mouse thinks “Hey, my tumor is shrinking!” And then it does. You can’t underestimate the power of positive mouse thinking.
Just once I would like to see a headline that said, “SCIENTISTS DISCOVER A CURE FOR HUMAN DIABETES,” followed by details that say, “Scientists caution that this treatment in mice would give them inverted erections and make them hump themselves to death.”
Well, I can dream.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Why toenail flavored mittens help the economy! Or..A Monkey with a Leaf.
Think about all the people working and earning paychecks from companies that will ultimately fail. It’s a lot of people. But until those companies fail, the employees are getting paid, buying goods, and contributing to the economy. After the failure, those employees hop over to another sinking ship, and so on.
Within successful companies, a huge portion of resources are dedicated to projects and products that will ultimately fail. But in the meantime, everyone is getting paid and propping up the economy.
I understand the math of capitalism, and how the few successes are so large they pay for all the failures and then some. But at any given moment, the majority of resources in a capitalist system are being pushed over a cliff by morons. This fascinates me. And it’s clearly the reason that humans rule the earth. We found a system to harness the power of stupid.
In the rest of the animal kingdom, being a moron is nothing but bad. A moron lion, for example, who can’t catch anything to eat, is adding nothing to the lion economy. But a moron human who starts a business selling toe nail flavored mittens is stimulating the economy right up until the point of going out of business and opening a business selling pizza flavored ear muffs, in Phoenix. On so on and so on.
My point is that I hope the monkeys that already know how to use sticks for tools don’t start using leaves for money. If that happens, we’re screwed.
Within successful companies, a huge portion of resources are dedicated to projects and products that will ultimately fail. But in the meantime, everyone is getting paid and propping up the economy.
I understand the math of capitalism, and how the few successes are so large they pay for all the failures and then some. But at any given moment, the majority of resources in a capitalist system are being pushed over a cliff by morons. This fascinates me. And it’s clearly the reason that humans rule the earth. We found a system to harness the power of stupid.
In the rest of the animal kingdom, being a moron is nothing but bad. A moron lion, for example, who can’t catch anything to eat, is adding nothing to the lion economy. But a moron human who starts a business selling toe nail flavored mittens is stimulating the economy right up until the point of going out of business and opening a business selling pizza flavored ear muffs, in Phoenix. On so on and so on.
My point is that I hope the monkeys that already know how to use sticks for tools don’t start using leaves for money. If that happens, we’re screwed.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How my sucide bomber date lost her teeth.
Wacked out, fundamentalist, bitch ass, Islamic ass clowns are apparently now becoming more tolerant of women. They are beginning to accept them as human beings by letting them blow themselves up. Reports around the world state that women are being accepted in the Muslim/Islamic world to be trained as suicide bombers. However, it is not clear to me if they get 70 virgins when they get to paradise. Maybe they just get their clits back. Who knows?
Actually I’m less concerned about that than I am the possibility of these women infiltrating our society. Let’s face it; Americans are all about getting laid so it’s quite possible some clean cut, harmless, innocent, all American kid can get mixed up with one of these bitches on a first date. With that in mind I’d like to submit a few helpful steps to out these crazy ass bitches on a date.
1. While ordering dinner, try to make concrete plans to watch "American Idol" on TV the following week. If she backs out or claims she doesn't watch American television, she's probably planning a suicide operation. Immediately drive a thorazine-filled syringe into her eyeball and check her for explosives. If you find some; kick her in the teeth and call the authorities. If you don’t find explosives act as if you are performing CPR when she comes to and claim you just saved her life.
2. When you are enjoying live music at the local club, casually whisper to her there are Infidels present and ask her how she would like to proceed. If she suddenly walks toward her handbag, tackle her immediately and kick her in the teeth.
3. When you are getting romantic, give her a little casual sniff when she isn't looking. If she smells like fertilizer or rocket fuel, hog-tie her and then call the authorities but don’t forget to kick her in the teeth. If she smells like anything else, it's totally your call.
4. Show her your brand new video camera and ask her if she would like to say any last words to her family. After she begins her speech in Arabic, hit her with a conveniently-placed hammer and then send the tape to authorities for translation. Also kick her in the teeth.
5. After dinner, initiate a playful game of "peek-a-boo" with her. Show her your belly and then insist she show you hers. If she hesitates or declines, she's probably hiding an explosive belt. Immediately drive your dinner fork into her sternum and diffuse bomb with a pair conveniently placed wire cutters. And of course kick her in the teeth and as an added bonus remind her that the majority of American women enjoy sex and are encouraged to have it….all the time….as much as possible…any way they want…when ever they want…like now….Uhhhhh, sorry – I digress.
I’m certain these steps will help and thanks for being on the look out for ignorant ass Islamic bitches.
Actually I’m less concerned about that than I am the possibility of these women infiltrating our society. Let’s face it; Americans are all about getting laid so it’s quite possible some clean cut, harmless, innocent, all American kid can get mixed up with one of these bitches on a first date. With that in mind I’d like to submit a few helpful steps to out these crazy ass bitches on a date.
1. While ordering dinner, try to make concrete plans to watch "American Idol" on TV the following week. If she backs out or claims she doesn't watch American television, she's probably planning a suicide operation. Immediately drive a thorazine-filled syringe into her eyeball and check her for explosives. If you find some; kick her in the teeth and call the authorities. If you don’t find explosives act as if you are performing CPR when she comes to and claim you just saved her life.
2. When you are enjoying live music at the local club, casually whisper to her there are Infidels present and ask her how she would like to proceed. If she suddenly walks toward her handbag, tackle her immediately and kick her in the teeth.
3. When you are getting romantic, give her a little casual sniff when she isn't looking. If she smells like fertilizer or rocket fuel, hog-tie her and then call the authorities but don’t forget to kick her in the teeth. If she smells like anything else, it's totally your call.
4. Show her your brand new video camera and ask her if she would like to say any last words to her family. After she begins her speech in Arabic, hit her with a conveniently-placed hammer and then send the tape to authorities for translation. Also kick her in the teeth.
5. After dinner, initiate a playful game of "peek-a-boo" with her. Show her your belly and then insist she show you hers. If she hesitates or declines, she's probably hiding an explosive belt. Immediately drive your dinner fork into her sternum and diffuse bomb with a pair conveniently placed wire cutters. And of course kick her in the teeth and as an added bonus remind her that the majority of American women enjoy sex and are encouraged to have it….all the time….as much as possible…any way they want…when ever they want…like now….Uhhhhh, sorry – I digress.
I’m certain these steps will help and thanks for being on the look out for ignorant ass Islamic bitches.
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