Monday, June 21, 2010

Nostradumbass knows what Alice did with the butcher.


In light of a recent revelation I shall hence fourth be known as…Nostradumbass.
For I can predict the past and vague things that shall never pass.

Here are but a few of my Quintrains:

1) One day some things will happen
These things will affect things
And things will begin to do things
One thing affecting the other thing
Yet therefore…and some other stuff

B) There will be a bovinescatologist born in the 14th century
He shall say things that bringeth many baffoons together
They shall begat
And when the baffoons disperse
They will Google

4) A small but mighty power in Europe shall lose its quest to win the Second World War
Its leader will commit suicide along side his dying whore
His people will forever be embarrassed
Not for their loss
But for his mustache

L) There will be a lovely lady
Who shall bring up three very lovely girls
All of them shall have hair of gold
Like their REAL dad
And the maid shall fuck a butcher

Hark! Hear my words! For I…am Nostradumbass

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why the "creator" has hairy palms.

This is going to scare some of you. Still others may shrivel in denial and disgust.
I suppose in some circles that may be enough to stop me. Naaaaaaah………
It may help to understand that I’m an agnostic and that this is simply a humorous alternative point of view. Even ________ has a sense of humor.

How many times have you heard, “God made man in his own image.”? This has been the mantra of the more fundamentalist Christian for eons. Usually I would jump up and down and pounce on the ridiculously sexist comment. But then it dawned on me…it may be more interesting to nod in agreement and then follow through with a logical conclusion.
In order to do that we must take the comment “God made man in his own image” and line up its premises.
These are:
God is male (he made man in his own image)
God is perfect (because if he is not, why do you follow “him”)
God is unique (because if he is not, why the rift with other religions)

If these are agreed on the rest is simple logic.

To be male one must have a penis. So God, being male, must have a penis of divine proportions.
To be perfect, a being would suffer no waste. God then would have no wasteful organs. Having said that we can deduce that since God is male and has a penis He must use it. But use it for what?

The penis only serves two functions. The elimination of waste and sexual reproduction.
If a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted organs the possible uses of God’s penis is reduced to those of a sexual nature.

This brings us to our third premise. God is unique.
If God is unique then there is and will never be another like Him so sexual reproduction is out of the question.
Now if this divine penis is not used to eliminate waste (because there is none), nor is it use for sexual reproduction (he is unique), then what does He use it for?
There is only one option left.

God masturbates.

That’s right – problem solved.
God is male.
All males have a penis.
God is perfect.
A perfect being has no useless attributes.
God has a penis therefore he must use his penis.
God is a unique being.
A unique being has no others like him.
A penis is used for waste removal or reproduction.
God must use His penis but not for waste removal or reproduction.
Therefore God must masturbate.

I’m certain that at this point one might believe I will burst into flames at any moment but I submit this; God gave me this thought process and my sense of humor…as it is.
Given that, let me take this one step further.

Christianity does not merely assert that God is only perfect and unique part of the time. On the contrary, Christianity tells us that God is always perfect and always unique.
Ok, if that is to be understood as fact let me add this additional deduction:
God must masturbate if He is male, perfect, and unique.
God is always male, perfect, and unique therefore God is always masturbating.

There ya have it. It’s not all bad though. If one thinks very hard about it, through these deductions, we have serendipitously answered another theological question: Philosophers and skeptics have often asked, “How can such an all powerful being tolerate so much evil in the world?”
The answer is clear. He’s too busy with cosmic self pleasure to worry about earthly affairs.
Looks like we are on our own – God or no God.

You're welcome. :)

Friday, June 4, 2010

It's ok...'prolly a bus full of mistakes anyway.

Are school bus drivers everywhere certifiably insane or is it just around here?
I’ve noticed that they commandeer the only vehicles not abiding the speed limit in a school zone and, for that matter; they seem to pay no attention to any speed limit anywhere.
Hauling ass seems to be the MO for these people. Whether it be screeching out of the parking lot right in front of you or throwing gravel in the face of the poor kids that live within walking distance, these wild eyed maniacs have apparently one thing in mind:
1) Load the little bastards up
2) Drop the little bastards off (there is a 3rd step but we’ll cover that later)

As annoying as it is to see these busses bending around corners, rolling through stop signs and stop lights, and coming to abrupt and unannounced stops; it’s always interesting to see the looks on the little faces inside as they bounce off the seats and windows in complete terror. Sometimes you can actually see them hanging out the window screaming.
Even as you see these frightened little scholars hanging out the windows screaming and hoping for an escape the expression on the pilots face never changes: “Drop the little bastards off. Drop the little bastards off.”
It’s not their fault we force them to ride in death traps driven by a transient with a Marlboro and no apparent understanding of traffic flow. We could at least see to it that our future drive through cashiers are taken to our under funded and inadequate public schools in a safe manner and in something that doesn’t look like The Partridge Family tour bus.

What are the requirements for “school bus driver” anyway?
Convicted of no more than 3 felonies?
Not on any current sex offender list?
Have not “lived in a van down by the river” for more than 6 consecutive months?

From what I can gather it’s as easy as 1-2-3:
1) Pick the little bastards up
2) Drop the little bastards off
3) Do it again – in due haste

I’m going to the river to investigate further.