Thursday, February 11, 2010

Explain 'dem bones, holy homey

Here’s a question for any Christians who believe everything in the Bible is true (I’d call them “fundamentalists”, which was what they used to call themselves, I believe, but the word has a negative association these days):

What about Neanderthals?

If you believe in the Bible, including Genesis, you believe in Creationism, and that means that such a thing as “cavemen” could never have existed; the first men in the Bible, both in Eden (Adam and Eve) and shortly after (Seth, Cain, Noah and so on) are described as civilized, having a society, building cities, and so on.

So, according to Bible-based Creationism, there never was such a thing as Neanderthals living in caves, being more advanced than apes yet less than men. Not to mention that they are supposed to have lived millions of years ago… hey, isn’t the universe just 6000 years old?

But… where do all these fossils come from?

Logically, a Christian would have to accept one of the following:
1. The fossils are all fakes, created by scientists and other “enemies of faith”, to discredit Creationism.
2. God created the fossils to “test our faith”, making them appear much older than they really are, to all scientific tests - not to mention the fact that they are from beings that never actually existed.
3. Genesis is, at least in part, a fictional book.

So… which is it?

Friday, February 5, 2010

The diarrhea band has hairy palms...I bet.

I find it interesting that people are more apt to talk about diarrhea than masturbation. Just saying the words in public will get you completely different reactions. Go ahead. The next couple times you’re standing in line at the store with a friend calmly discuss one of the topics and compare the different reactions you get.

They even have commercials on TV and radio that include diarrhea bands singing songs about diarrhea!
I’m not saying we need commercials about masturbation. I’m just amused at the willingness to discuss, and even write songs and sing about, what comes flying out of our ass before any discussion on the act of self pleasure.
We all know what KY Jelly is used for but you never here on the commercials, “It’s great for masturbation too!” It’s just billed as a “personal lubricant.”
Frankly that sounds creepy to me.

We also have the picture ad in the back of nearly any magazine of the girl with the phallic “neck massager” that she is holding on her neck.

Yeah right, she was massaging her neck. Maybe someone could explain her chipped tooth in the next issue.

I’m no more “pro-masturbation” than I am “anti-diarrhea”. It’s just the subtle “PC” rules of society that I find interesting.

But seriously, which one would you rather deal with?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

In the news, a building contractor was caught seducing a shop vacuum. The vacuum has two large cartoon eyes and a hose that represents its nose. The model is called a Henry Hoover.

This story raises many questions. Was this a spontaneous act, or did the contractor see Henry Hoover on day one and think “I’d hit that”?
What disturbs me most is that little Henry’s hose was involved in the sex act. That’s his NOSE, damn it! How is Henry supposed to enjoy nasal sex? That contractor is a selfish lover, and I can’t forgive that.

The contractor’s alibi is that he was using Henry to vacuum his underpants, which he says is common practice back in Poland. I’m thinking maybe you should practice your alibi before getting caught and not say the first thing that springs to mind. “Uhhhhh…..yeeeeah, we do this back home all the time!”

If I were that contractor, I would have claimed I was a member of a cult and I mistakenly thought Henry Hoover was my god. I’d say I cast off all of my possessions and knelt before him to receive his “blessing”. I’d tell the security guard “If you don’t like how Lord Hoover bestows his blessings, perhaps you should be less of a bigot.” I’d probably take the offensive and say something like “You probably kneel in front of a priest and get a cracker. How’s this any different?”

It pays to be prepared.

Monday, February 1, 2010

You forgot your air freshener smells like Stephen Hawking.

I’ve read that as you age you begin to lose your memory and that children learn faster than adults. I don’t think you lose your memory as you age. I believe you just have so much more crap to remember that it’s harder to keep up with. Your brain gets filled up and you lose space to keep stuff.
All the experts agree that kids can learn new languages faster than adults. I’m not impressed with that. If I had as few problems as a 9 year old I could learn Chinese over the weekend too. Let kids start worrying about bills, mortgage and car payments, Iran’s nuclear program and our own government ripping all of us off and let’s see who can conjugate faster.

In order for adults to manage their memory I think we should begin to eliminate unnecessary categories for our memories. For instance, I plan to eliminate the “who wore what” category. From now on if I see you at the club wearing a full chicken outfit I will remember that as: “saw them at the club.”
Recently I started to read Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” again and I thought, “I don’t have room for this.” I think I made it to page 12. I’d love to read that book again but it might make me forget to pay my electric bill or take some videos back. And it’s not like I haven’t already done that in the past week.

Speaking of Stephen Hawking, I plan to eventually release all complicated explanations for time, space and the world. Evolution has to go. It’s too complicated and takes up too much space. It’s either evolution or “remember to zip up pants.” The choice is clear…unless of course I’m trying to make some friends.
I’m also going to start lumping things together in my mind based on similarities in order to save space. From now on stem cells are babies and Iranians are Arabs. And they all live in North Korea with Osama and OJ.

There was something else I was going to add but I forgot what it was. Maybe that’s because I just remembered to put a new air freshener in my car.