Monday, July 19, 2010

Colosso isn't gay. But he IS a Homo.

Apparently they once discovered these little hobbit like creatures in Indonesia. They referred to them as “H. Erectus” instead of the full name Homo Erectus. I figure this is to prevent jokes about why we don’t see any of them around these days.

I’m crossing my fingers that someday scientists will discover one of these hobbit dudes encased in amber or whatever-the-hell would allow us to snatch some DNA and clone them. Since they aren’t human, I think cloning would be legal.
And although they had heads the size of grapefruits, scientists believe they were smart enough to use tools and hunt tiny elephants. That spells one thing: Hobbit slaves!!

I think it would be cool to order a hobbit slave and have it show up in a box with air holes. My hobbit slave would always wear a tiny tuxedo, mostly for the coolness. I’d call him Colosso, because of the irony factor.

Colosso wouldn’t be bright enough to purchase .99 cent tacos on Sunday, or big enough to drive a car, so his use would be limited. But he’d be perfect for playing ring toss. I’d have him stand at the other side of the room and train him to yell funny things when I got a ring over him.
“You are the best ring tosser of all time, you magnificent, gigantic bastard!”

When Halloween came around I’d get Colosso a winged monkey costume and I’d go ahead and dress up as the Wicked Witch. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t win some sort of prize.

Colosso could ride my dog Ian lika a horse! When I wanted some green tea from the fridge, Colosso jump on Ian and ride him to the kitchen and get it. Would I ever get tired of that? Not likely.

Hey! I’d never have to find the remote control again, because I would use Velcro to attach it to Colosso’s head. When I wanted to watch TV, I would just whistle and he’d run over and face the TV.
I’m sure there are more uses for a hobbit slave, but none come to mind. What would YOU do with a three-foot tall Homo?

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