Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Why yaks like climbing mountains.

The best kind of personal defects are the ones that other people notice but you can’t. It’s bad enough to have a defect in the first place; there’s no point in having to think about it all the time. It’s bad for your self-esteem.

For example, I envy the people who don’t know that other people hate spending time with them. I see these defective people all the time, endlessly jabbering at trapped victims. The defective people think they are having a great personal encounter. The victim feels like he has an SUV parked on his chest. Other people can identify this sort of tragedy by the fact that one person is smiling and doing all of the talking and the other person is squeezing his own thigh to cut off blood to his brain.

I’m the opposite. I assume other people want me to go away as soon as I show up. It’s probably not always true, but I like to play it safe. A little bit of me goes a long way. That’s why I try to leave before I use up my welcome. It’s a tight window.
Dude: “Hi, Brian.”
Me: “Gotta go.”

Some one once told me it was “poofing” and I don’t necessarily disagree but I viewed it as giving people a break and minimizing my chances of getting told to go pound sand and hump ferrets.
Another personal defect I’ve noticed, in other people of course, are close talkers. Usually those are the people with the worst breath too. If I don’t know you, you can be rest assured I have a personal space bubble of at least 3 feet. Even if I do know you that doesn’t imply I want to smell your teeth so back off zippy. Trust me; you will know if I’m interested in smelling you.

How about the “One Uppers”? These are the people that, should you tell them you climbed Mt. Everest for example, well…they climbed it backwards, naked, with an amorous yak tide to their ass.

How about the “But any ways”? These individuals have no clue what you are saying. You could tell them that the moon is going to crash into the earth and annihilate all life on the planet and they would go right back into their mundane story, “Uhhhhh, yeah. BUT ANY WAY so there I was in Wal Mart…..”

Or, how about the “Stupid Bloggers”? These damn people…uhhhhhh, wait a minute.

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